Antoine
How It Began
I felt no symptoms when I tested positive for COVID on May 5th, 2021. I got tested because my wife was sick with it, not because I felt sick. And I never really got the “typical” symptoms. I was tipped off that something wasn’t right when I began having severe heart/chest pain. I felt like my heart was cramping regularly and it wouldn’t go away. I ended up in the ER, about a month after I tested positive, while on vacation in Florida. I felt like I couldn’t move. I was deeply drained. I wondered if I was dying. When they took my heart rate it was 210.
From there, I went through a lot of symptoms: bad tremors, the feeling of electrical surges through my body (like being shocked). One week it was heart pain. The next, it was a strange pressure in my head. My blood wouldn’t flow correctly, so when I tried to stand, I would get light-headed. I would crawl back and forth to the toilet. Doctors told me that sometimes in these medical crises, our bodies forget the normal functions, like sleeping, using the bathroom, etc. They were worried that my body would forget how to breathe.
The Biggest Challenge
A friend connected me with Amy when I was heading into the worst part of long COVID. At that time, I didn’t know if I could go on. I thought I would never get better. She would talk with me and help me get to a better place. She kept saying, “This isn’t your story. You get to write your own story.”
People ask: would you rather have the physical or the mental pain? While the physical pain was horrible, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, the mental part was harder. I was just trying to make it through the day. Getting over the mental hurdle to believe I would really get better was the toughest part. Without Amy, I don’t know what I would have done. I felt so alone and didn’t know anyone else who was going through it. Amy was so positive and reassuring. She wouldn’t allow me to give up.
At one point, I read the suicide statistics related to people with long COVID, and I know that I could have been one of those people, if I hadn’t gotten the support I did. I remember the days, and there were several, when I thought I wasn’t going to make it. I remember thinking, “Maybe everyone will be better off if I leave.”
What Helped
First and foremost:
Taking care of your mental health is #1. I just couldn’t believe in my recovery. I had it in my head that I wasn’t going to get better and that is why it took so long for me to recover. I caused myself to stay there longer than I had to.
You have to believe in your recovery.
And you might need to fake it ‘til you make it. I had to tell my body that it was healing itself. Every morning, I would tell myself, “You have everything you need to recover.” I would describe my recovery as if it was a story. I felt so crazy telling myself that story, but then it actually happened! Around the turn of the year, I felt myself improving. Low and behold, spring came around and I was back to health.
I just want people to know that regardless how bad it seems, you can and will get better.
Here are other things that helped me:
1) Finding something that kept me going to the next day. Sometimes it was listening to an uplifting podcast that shared the road to recovery or told me about people who went through similar situations.
2) Meditation. Amy helped me understand how to do it. I didn’t have experience with it before. I got more in touch with my inner self and what makes me feel good–more so than ever before in my life. Now that I am better, I still use some of those practices today.
3) Hope, Humor and Kindness: It was really difficult for me to find things to enjoy for a long time. Before, TV would bring me a lot of laughter and pleasure, but I was in so much pain in the beginning, that I couldn’t find it like I had. But, after a while, I would play something that had background laughter in the audience. Hearing people laugh and listening to jokes and stuff, people having a good time—it would help with my mood.
4) Changing my mentality: I had to stop harping on the negative, which was hard, because I felt so terrible. Amy helped me recognize that I could acknowledge how I was feeling, but I didn’t have to think about it all the time. That was only adding to my suffering—my physical being was suffering but my mental state didn’t need to suffer as well. This was also helped by reading several books that Amy and others shared with me. They were all very important in my recovery and I certainly will reference them if needed in the future:
Mindful Way Through Depression
Battlefield of the Mind
5) Pacing: By March of 2022, I was feeling much more myself. I would get those physical and mental feelings that marked my illness and I would just push myself little by little, to gently overcome them.
Where I Am Now
I feel all the good words. Positive. Uplifted. I had my 40th birthday recently. Last year, it was simply my goal to make it to 39. And that birthday was probably the worst day I ever had. From that point, I told myself that if I made it to 40, I was going to live life as a happier person, intentionally. I am going to do things that make myself and people in my life happy. In my heart now, I know that I can influence the way I feel. I know now that I need to and can be in control of my energy.
I get to be here and laugh and joke. I get to go out and work out—every day. I am running. I am training my kids in soccer. I get to do this with my son EVERY DAY again. The fact that I can be out and active with my family now is more fulfilling than ever.
